Workplace Bullying and Queen Bees

Sisters, It’s Time for Change. We Must Find a Way to Stop Damaging Workplace Bullying, Sabotage and Gossip.

If you are a working woman, and you’ve never been a target of career damaging gossip, bullying or stealth sabotage at work, count yourself lucky.  Unfortunately, you are in the minority.  Yesterday I saw this video interview of Dr. Peggy Drexler, professor of psychiatry at Cornell School of Medicine on Bloomberg and I think it is worth a look.

In the film, The Devil Wears Prada, the protagonist’s outlandish behavior and over the top snark delivered meme-worthy moments aplenty. But in the real world, bullying and strategic sabotage among women at work is at an all-time high and it’s no laughing matter.  According to the Workplace Bullying Institute women bullies (who make up 40 percent of all workplace bullies) are reported to bully other women 70-80 percent of the time. And even more disturbing, 40% of all working women say they would rather work for a male boss.  If you are a women, this should make you stop and listen.

What Makes a Bully?

devil wears pradaEveryone has an inner mean girl that can be activated by certain personalities, but the self-aware individual knows how to stay honest with herself and develop strategies and accountability to keep it in check.  Those who don’t will employ a host of destructive behaviors in order to accomplish their conscious or subconscious goals.  Here are a few tactics used by female workplace bullies as noted by expert Dr. Erika Holiday, author of Mean Girls, Meaner Women.

  • Verbal abuse or physical threats or aggressiveness (includes behaviors intended to dominate, manipulate, intimidate, or coerce a woman into making remarks or behaving against her will
  • Words / gossip intended to undermine the victim’s self-esteem, question her perceptions, sense of self, sense of judgment or make her feel she is invisible.
  • Words / gossip intended to question the victim’s authority, credibility, image or reputation
  • Undue pressure that isolates and removes attention or emotional connection, and thwarts opportunities for participating in friendships and social/work groups.
  • Withholds necessary information, communication and opportunity necessary to do your job well.  Limits access to particular individuals, roles, assignments, meetings, committees, positions or activities; promotions or advancement being withheld; or access blocked to supervisors or mentors.
  • Being lied to, ostracized, socially excluded, demeaned or devalued, directly or indirectly.
  • A woman who takes credit for others’ work, blames others for her errors, and/or tries to make others disrespect you.
  • Women who encourage, support, observe or tolerate bullying behavior are responsible through their passive acceptance of damaging behavior.

If Your Lady Boss is a Bullying Saboteur…

As women reach higher levels of leadership and responsibilities, covert bullying behaviors take on nuances that are sometimes hard to put a finger on.  Research shows, when you are a senior leader and your female boss is new in her role, your risk for bullying increases.

 study led by Michelle Duguid, PhD, assistant professor of organizational behavior at Olin Business School authored a concept she refers to as “value threat”.  “I propose that being the only woman who is a member of a high-status work group can produce a perceived threat of not being seen as a valued group member,” Duguid says. “This threat is likely to underlie…responses to other women as potential group members.”  Duguid identifies two forms of value threat that she thinks affect the behavior of females in high-status work groups— competitive threat and collective threat.

mean girls“Competitive threat is the fear that a highly qualified female candidate might be more qualified, competent or accepted than you are,” Duguid says.  Collective threat is concern about bringing in another woman with perceived lower qualifications.  With Collective threat, the token high value group member who is a woman worries a colleague might reinforce negative stereotypes about women and impact others’ impressions of them.”

It’s Not Simple, But It’s Expensive.

Woman to woman workplace bullying isn’t as simple as being disappointed in not finding friendship or sisterhood at work, it costs employers plenty, though they are often blind or indifferent to such dynamics, and largely unsupportive of targets.  In the vacuum left by ineffective and uninvolved senior leaders, cliques’, bullying, and gossip are given space to thrive, driving away the most talented individuals who refuse to sit down or lower themselves to the base behavior of their colleagues and fight back.

Who Gets Bullied?

So who is the woman most likely to become a bullying target at work? The Workplace Bullying Institute research identified the following common traits in their research:

“Targets are more technically skilled than their bullies. They are the “go-to” veteran workers to whom new employees turn for guidance. Insecure bosses and co-workers can’t stand to share credit for the recognition of talent. Bully bosses steal credit from skilled targets.

Targets are better liked, they have more social skills, and quite likely possess greater emotional intelligence. They have empathy (even for their bullies). Colleagues, customers, and management (with exception to the bullies and their sponsors) appreciate the warmth that the targets bring to the workplace.

Targets are ethical and honest. Some targets are whistleblowers who expose fraudulent practices. Every whistleblower is bullied. Targets are not schemers or slimy con artists. They tend to be guileless. The most easily exploited targets are people with personalities founded on a prosocial orientation — a desire to help, heal, teach, develop, nurture others.

Targets are non-confrontational. They do not respond to aggression with aggression.”

The research report unanimously supports the anecdotal research of women coaches, leaders and authors who study and write about females bullying other females in the workplace.  Katherine Crowley and Kathi Elster, authors of the book, Mean Girls at Work: How to Stay Professional When Things Get Personal have great advice and insight to offer women who find themselves in the midst of workplace bullying, as well as women who know they might have a few mean girl tendencies.

The reasons why bullies bully are as innumerable as the individuals involved.  Research tends to back up what Mom told you.  People who tear down other people don’t feel confident or good about themselves. Katherine Crowley (Mean Girls at Work author) suggested, “It comes from internal conflict—wanting everyone to be your friend versus needing to compete with other women at work. I may really like someone, but I can be extremely jealous if she gets promoted, and then be tempted to put her down when she tries to tell me what to do.”albright

Women handle competition in the workplace differently than men do, and with all of the above information, change can seem impossible.  But I personally believe there are women in the workplace who are determined to see real change, and not just for themselves, but for every working woman.   One way women are working on creating transparency and attempting to expose companies who tolerate, and thereby sanction, a bullying culture in the workplace, is  

States like California are leading the way, adding anti-bullying statutes to Healthy Workplace legislation and offering bullied employees forced from their jobs legal recourse.  Other countries, such as Australia and the UK already have remedies in place to penalize companies who turn a blind eye to bullying behavior.

What Should Women Who Want to Stop Workplace Bullying Do?

  1. Stand with the bullied.  If your workplace culture is toxic, gather your colleagues off site and talk about it. Offer to go with the bullied co-worker to meet with leadership or write down your observations.  Remember this quote and live by it: “The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.” (Edmund Burke) Refuse to become a co-bully by failing to do what is in the best interests of everyone.
  2.  If you have the power to effect change, get busy. Reward emotional intelligence in your workplace, have a conflict resolution process that is open and fair.  Anticipate conflict and train your employees in standards of constructive criticism and feedback.
  3. Encourage adherence to existing policies.  The International Justice Mission is an organization of lawyers, investigators, former law enforcement and other brave folks who want to put a stop to human trafficking and violence.  Their strategy is to go in and rescue those in harm’s way and compel those in authority to enforce the laws already on the books.  In the process they often expose corrupt  leadership. Most companies have policies against bullying behavior, but it takes a courageous few to stand up and ask for a second look at policies in place intended to preserve a healthy workplace.

Yes, it is scary to take a stand in an “at will” state where your employer can dismiss you for no reason. It might cost you the job to do what’s right, and that will cause financial difficulties for most people. But there is peace and confidence to be found in doing the right thing.  Doing what is right will never be easy…isn’t that what we teach our children?  Does that change when the stakes are higher? No, not so much.  But truth is truth, no matter where you find it, and it never changes.

I would love to hear your stories and challenges with bullying in the workplace.  I am working on a supportive guide for those who have experienced this phenomenon designed to encourage and uplift…emergency mantras for managing the bully at work.  My promise to you, I won’t share your email address, your name or any identifying details anywhere in print or online without your permission.  This is about encouraging one another, being brave together.  Write your story and what you wish you’d known then or what might have given you some comfort. Quotes, resources, online communities, whatever helped you find your way through.  Let your experience be light for someone else’s path.

Email your stories to:

Thank you for reading and please share this with your friends.

grace + peace,


Stop All the Clocks

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message She Is Dead,
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

She was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

W.H. Auden

Get Your Technology On

Here’s a quick and dirty list of tech-ish things [apps, links, plugins and general nerdy goodness] I discovered this week.  Get your technology on, yo.

Sketchboard — A visual sketch collaboration tool (that integrates with Slack!) for teams to sketch together in real-time. It is like a chat, but you solve problems visually like using a whiteboard. Awesome.

Inspr— Visually mock up an app design idea on your iPhone and share it with friends.

Narro— This app creates a podcast from the stuff you meant to read this week but didn’t. Cut and paste a link, and wah-lah…a nice lady voice reads your articles to you while you walk or drive.

Nuzzel — Make sure to stay on top of what people in your network are sharing on social media with Nuzzel. Especially cool if you use lists to organize your social media connections, Nuzzel makes it easy to know what matters to your networks.

READ MORE: App Love for the Week of November 23rd

World Series 2015

A tribute to my team.  Let’s do this.  #ForeverRoyal.


Came across Neil Gaiman’s poem “Instructions” today looking for some resources for branding/storytelling I’m going to go over with my team in a meeting tomorrow.

There are so many fairytale, mythology, story, etc. references here it’s fun to read…and revealing, how universal the stories we tell really are.

Enjoy this if you haven’t ever read it,  and other work by Neil Gaiman.

“Instructions” by Neil Gaiman

Touch the wooden gate in the wall you never saw before,
Say ‘please’ before you open the latch,
go through,
walk down the path.
A red metal imp hangs from the green-painted front door,
as a knocker,
do not touch it; it will bite your fingers.
Walk through the house. Take nothing. Eat nothing.
if any creature tells you that it hungers,
feed it.
If it tells you that it is dirty,
clean it.
If it cries to you that it hurts,
if you can,
ease its pain.

From the back garden you will be able to see the wild wood.
The deep well you walk past leads down to Winter’s realm;
There is another land at the bottom of it.
If you turn around here,
you can walk back, safely;
you will lose no face. I will think no less of you.

Once through the garden you will be in the wood.
The trees are old. Eyes peer from the undergrowth.
Beneath a twisted oak sits an old woman. She may ask for something;
give it to her. She
will point the way to the castle. Inside it
are three princesses.
Do not trust the youngest. Walk on.
In the clearing beyond the castle the twelve months sit about a fire,
warming their feet, exchanging tales.
They may do favours for you, if you are polite.
You may pick strawberries in December’s frost.

Trust the wolves, but do not tell them where you are going.
The river can be crossed by the ferry. The ferryman will take you.
(The answer to his question is this:
If he hands the oar to his passenger, he will be free to leave the boat. 
Only tell him this from a safe distance.)

If an eagle gives you a feather, keep it safe.
Remember: that giants sleep too soundly; that
witches are often betrayed by their appetites;
dragons have one soft spot, somewhere, always;
hearts can be well hidden,
and you betray them with your tongue.

Do not be jealous of your sister:
know that diamonds and roses
are as uncomfortable when they tumble from one’s lips as toads and frogs:
colder, too, and sharper, and they cut.

Remember your name.
Do not lose hope – what you seek will be found.
Trust ghosts. Trust those that you have helped to help you in their turn.
Trust dreams.
Trust your heart, and trust your story.

When you come back, return the way you came.
Favours will be returned, debts be repaid.

Do not forget your manners.
Do not look back.
Ride the wise eagle (you shall not fall).
Ride the silver fish (you will not drown).
Ride the grey wolf (hold tightly to his fur).

There is a worm at the heart of the tower; that is why it will not stand.

When you reach the little house, the place your journey started,
you will recognise it, although it will seem much smaller than you remember.
Walk up the path, and through the garden gate you never saw before but once.
And then go home. Or make a home.

Or rest.

Only Love

I just read on Facebook that a friend of mine from college witnessed two police officers being shot in Ferguson.  She and her friend escaped safely, but they were very afraid the shooters were going to open fire on the crowd.

I struggled with what to say.  What comfort can I possibly give?  I have never known racism.  I have never felt marginalized to that degree.  It’s hard to know how to respond.  You want to say things like, “it’s not worth protesting”, or “good grief go home!”…but maybe it is to her.  Maybe it’s that important.  I don’t know.

All I know is, I kept thinking of a quote I have saved on a scrap of paper by Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., “Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.”

I wouldn’t be so presumptuous as to tell my friend just to love and not hate, but I do believe love is the answer.  And I know firsthand through my own life experiences that “hate is too great of a burden to bear”.  (more Dr. King)  Hate destroys the hater, no matter what race or religion they are.

Today it feels like things in the world are getting worse and not better, and I feel helpless.  Young men in Oklahoma are chanting racial slurs on a bus as a badge of unity and police officers are being shot.  These are radical examples, but what is worse is we are getting used to it.  It is hard to muster more than a sigh.  Justice is a nice idea and yet…we are passive, ambivalent.

I am a simple person.  I know these are big issues.  Too big for me.  I don’t know what to do.  This morning I did what I knew.  I sat in my office and asked God to help us all.  And I admitted he needed to start with me.  I asked Him to open my eyes to the hurt around me and help me discover how I might bring love into those circumstances.  I am willing.

And I’m going to talk to my kids again about these things.  I’m going to remind them what Jesus taught about justice and kindness and love.  They are both amazing people.  They both have experienced enough pain to know it doesn’t respect race or religion.  They are compassionate, wise and kind.  I have been given grace as a mother, I know.  I clung to the scripture “Love covers a multitude of sins” when they were young and I knew I was getting it wrong a lot of the time.  Today, I am truly grateful I don’t have to worry about them being caught on camera singing hate songs.  I don’t have the least bit of worry about that.  They make me so proud every day.

I won’t presume to know what the answer is for anyone else, but I feel confident in saying this:  Mothers, teach your children to love.  They are watching you.  Hate is too great a burden for them to bear.  Love drives out darkness.  Teach them to be light.  Love and accept them so they will do the same for others.  It is the only job you will ever have that really matters.

Live in the Sunshine

IMG_6374.JPGThe sun is shining today and my vitamin D deprived body is grateful. It’s snowing  in lots of other places, so I drank it in and drove with the window rolled down.  It’s the little things.

“Live in the sunshine, swim the sea, drink the wild air…”-Emerson

Remember this.

What seems to us as bitter trials are often blessings in disguise. – Oscar Wilde


3 Content Marketing Resources to Check Out Now

Here are three awesome resources you might want to consider adding to your content marketing toolbox.

1. BuzzSumo 

BuzzSumo is a platform for discovering the content people are engaging with and where. It is designed to help you discover what content your audience will find helpful and engaging and discover new opportunities to connect with those who will share it with you.

See screenshot below:

The pink highlight is where you enter your search term…the yellow offers you search options and the orange highlight shows you shares for the listed item to the left on each social media channel and then total shares.

This tool does so much more, but if you’re stuck building your content calendar and need ideas, Buzzsumo is a great place to begin!

2. GoAnimate 

Everyone wants to be able to share more video content, but time, resources, etc. make this a challenge for companies of all sizes. GoAnimate is the answer!

GoAnimate is an inexpensive, easy and fun way to add more video to your inbound efforts. Instead of giving you the down-low, I will let one of their videos do the talking…check it out!

3. Easelly 

There are a million statistics to support how compelling visuals increase shares across content marketing channels, and here’s a link to a great article with some numbers if that’s your thing.

But when I’m not busy building brand communities, I’ve been known to have a camera on my face, so to me it just makes sense. Compelling images tell a story quickly and effectively and most of us would rather look at an infographic than read a whitepaper any day. Easelly is a great tool for creating cool infographics and it is TOTALLY FREE. You can start from scratch using enumerable tools and resources or use one of their templates [see below] adapting colors, sizes and texts.

Thanks for reading, and I hope you’ve found something here that will help you up your content marketing game.

the art of negotiation

definition-of-negotiation-Google-SearchNegotiation. Ugh.  The word itself just makes me tired.  I have never been good at negotiating.  When I went to China, my travel mates shook their heads at me in disgust at my inability to bargain.  By the end of the trip they refused to shop near me.  For some reason I never have been good at the art of negotiation, so in an effort to improve, I have been doing some reading.

This article by Drake Baer via Inc. Magazine  offers some great insights into the psychology of negotiation and how to make it less scary.  Because here’s the thing: like almost everything hard in life, mastering the art of negotiation is about having courage.  Courage to make the first move.  Courage for your wants and needs to be revealed.  Courage to face rejection.  Hard stuff.   For me, finding the courage to make a move means having a strategy.  If that’s you too, check out this article and arm yourself  for your next negotiation.

Now I can’t get Kenny Rogers’ The Gambler out of my head.

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